When the telephone rings and a strained voice tells you that
a pantomime horse is stuck on the M25, you can confirm that your occupation is
not quite the same as most people.
I think I win the prize for the most bizarre phone calls and
messages of all time – my answerphone is hilarious. There is no substitute for
that exciting twinge of anticipation when you can see a new message has arrived
and the mere pressing of button transports you to the potential joy of another
totally ridiculous message.
It’s not only the recorded messages that produce hilarious
results, it is often the one sided conversations you pick up on when a
colleague is engaged in discussion about a costume requirement.
Topics freely under discussion and that cause endless
merriment are horses and cows (to be fair) most animals), boobs, ears and
sizing.
Sizing is a complete minefield and customers fall into two
categories. Those who wish to reveal every intimate (and frankly too much)
detail and those whose cryptic dialogue leaves all of us guessing.
I always find the ‘is that the costume shop?’ amusing….. as
without pause there follows a launch into complicated costume requests for
Batman etc – what a relief it is us then!
People leave the most bizarre messages at night. One can
only assume that they are either tired after night work, have just woken from a
deep slumber and aren’t quite with it, or heading home after a heavy night of
drinking.
I suppose creative thoughts come to the fore in the early
hours, but the bald answerphone message played back slightly distorted in the
cold light of day is often misguided. A stage full of actors in onesies is but
one example.
About 30% of message leavers forget to leave a number, so
often there is no possible way of contacting them ever again. May be it is just
as well, it will forever remain a mystery what the lady with the gravelly voice
wanted with 45 light up skulls and 3 straw hats.
Here are our favourites; ‘I need ears – not just the
tips’; 4 pairs of mutton chops please, 1
brown and 3 grey’; ‘will the skirt rip off quickly’; and stick on moustaches –
actually, anything stick on is absolutely guaranteed to lift the spirits and
create a hoot.
Other dangerous areas that cause inappropriate merriment are
humps and paunches. We certainly have had some ridiculous conversations about
those and calves….. Calves seem to be an issue with more people than you care
to realise. You can also get a huge
amount of mileage out of hairpieces.
Masks are positively dangerous. The group that ordered full face latex masks
to wear for a laugh at the airport were never heard of again.
Kilts produce massive amounts of fun and of course dames.
There are dames and there are a segment of the male population who don’t need
much excuse to don a frock and under a small amount of false protest will slip
into a bridesmaid dress without hesitation.
Today it has been Officer Crabtree and whether the cape
should swing to the left or the right……….
Anyway, I’m just off to retrieve my messages.
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